i love how i wasn’t even looking and i found you… or maybe you found me. we found each other, is that fair to say? maybe its the fact that it is so easy to carry on a conversation with you; the words we say fit together like puzzle pieces. nobody forced this on us, it just happened naturally, you know? being with you is as natural and miraculous as a heartbeat. i see our relationship as more of a pair that has always “been” rather than something that just came to be because of a simple question. i keep telling myself that i never saw it coming, but i think it was always there in the back of my mind. it was always with me so that i forgot it even existed like a heartbeat. i was so afraid though, afraid it wouldn’t be right, afraid it wont last, and afraid of the unknown. however, all of those thoughts have passed because i have taken the risk. there are some things you can never take back, there are other things you can take back but you have no desire to, and there are other things that you never could take back because they were there all along.
isabel
lily
robert
molly
marion
leah
natalie
i cant believe it has come down to this. everything is melting away from under me.
research paper
seeing you
talking to you about things
you getting high
you getting drunk
not having a ride
feeling out of place
unsureness
sealing the deal
disappointing you
figuring out what to wear
why you seem pissed at me?
me doing things
going against the very ideals that i live for
I feel empty right now. i shared so much of what was on my mind last night, and now i feel like the thoughts do not even belong to me. I know it is stupid, but I feel really unsure of myself at the moment. the only thing that is really keeping me going is the fact that I will get to see him tomorrow. This weekend ahead of me is not looking very promising though probably because everything is so unsure and undecided at the moment. I feel like an idiot after I talk to him because I can never contain what I want to say. Right now I just want to go back to sleep because there is too much to think about in this awakened state. I think I just need to stop being so self conscious and stop caring what people think of me. Things are going to happen how they happen and I can not stop that at all. I can either be nervous about everything or just expect the unexpected. I hope something happens between us this weekend.
this is unreal right now. i can not even bring myself to acknowledge the changes that have come in the past few days. its strange how just a few words can changes the relationship between two people. i honestly did not see it coming at that moment. maybe sometime in the future but that was unexpected. i liked the unexpectedness of it, even if the timing was completely wrong it was worth it. everything is much more relaxed now. its like all of the boundaries around us melted away and we are free to be what we have been longing for. thinking about it though all of the signs add up to that one event. i feel blind because i have not recognized them until now. i also am finding it hard to write about how i feel about all of this right now. i am very happy at the moment but i am also feeling other things that i can not put into words in the moment. i want to write them down so i don’t loose them but i don’t want to overanalyze them. right now i feel solid. our relationship is being built on top of a solid relationship. i think it has the roots to last.
I was in a functional way
And I have my brown sound jacket
Queen of call collect on my arm
She was my calm-me-down
She was my good-luck charm
She was my good luck
i think i am finally able to put something into words that i have known all along. i should have suspected this when you told me you used to like him but i trusted that there would be nothing left. i think i was wrong to think that though because feelings like that do not melt away and sometimes they aren’t even replaced by feelings for others. you now have someone else who does not fulfill what you want to see him. you feel empty and you think that i feel full, you think that i have it all. i can understand that because you are looking through a certain lens. i could be wrong though. you could be looking through the correct lens and i could be looking through the wrong one. i have no idea what he sees in me and i don’t know what i see in him either. i am sure that you mean just as much to him and i do but he can’t be the same around you as he is around me. right now, at this moment, there is nothing going on between us. i should have noticed your feelings when you convinced me and him would not work well together but i didn’t stop and think about it. things could have been different if i could have taken a deep breath and stopped time but thats impossible. i wish i could have taken your hand when you offered it to me, but that is over now.
i don’t know what the fuck is going through my head. the moments are all to fast to even process. i can’t stop to think until i have fully synthesized the information. to put it all in simple terms, i am very confused. one moment feels like the happiest and the next i feel sick to my stomach. i feel like i am living in regret when i should be thankful for everything that has made me who i am today. i honestly have no idea what i want, and i can’t think of anyone to share my problems with. i don’t want to be put on the spot and judged but i also really want to get my thoughts out for at least one person to hear. i guess i am writing this to get it all out knowing that i will not get a response back. i don’t think you know how lovely you make me feel but i can’t tell if this direction is right or not. there are so many people in the way of us, and it makes it much more complicated in my eyes. i see so many unanswered questions ahead that i want to answer but at the same time i am scared. right now i am mainly fighting myself. i don’t know if i should take my brains logical side or the impulsive side of my heart. i just want to be with you and not get crap about it. i just need to remember that everything i do has some sort of reason and i need to trust that reason.
i am writing this feeling very optimistic. my thoughts on this matter will probably change later this week because they are always changing. things feel better now and i have realized that my downward slope was psychological and controlled my me. there were so many signs out there saying that you were there for me but i only looked at the few that i interpreted in a lonely way. things are going to be okay. if i am ever reading this when i feel like things are going in a bad way i need to remember that they always work out. do not over analyze any situation or you will be misguided. just let things happen the way they should and live your life.
he missed you because he took my phone and started texting you because his died, he wouldnt give it back to me.
why do i care? this is all so stupid, and i don’t need any of it. what is it that i am seeing in you that nobody else sees, this should be a sign to me. i am so caught up in the stress of everything and the stupid emotions and i am consumed by everyone words. it is all my fault that this isn’t going anywhere and i have so regrets but i will learn to be alright. why do i want this? its going to be different now because i don’t need you in that way. i screw things up but i think i am also capable of mending what i have caused. i just want to scream now that this is over. i finally realize that none of this really matters and i don’t have to put myself through this. i need to realize who i am and not let any of this go to my head. i need to stop analyzing everything everyone says and then contradicting myself. none of this really matters in the long run and i really need to remind myself that.
its all his fault. he makes you think these things, he puts the seeds in your head and he waters them with his acid tainted water. it was not like this before he talked to you. i’ll admit some of it is in my head but something is different. i am anxious, dizzy, and my stomach feels like it is constantly dropping, falling. i wonder all of the time what kind of ideas he fed to you and what he is causing you to become. i have no idea what goes through your head anymore or what you think about when you see my. i’m being paranoid but my mind is wandering.
people drift apart, people learn their lessons, people cry their heart out but in the end they always come back home.
